Physicals
by Titania Took
Summary: The Ensigns' latest money-making scam involves selling tickets to Spock's physical. Captain Kirk and the Spock Fangirl Society are very pleased. Dr McCoy and Spock are not. Mildly cracky humour.


**Physicals**

"Roll up, roll up, get your tickets here! Only five credits apiece!"

"Any idea what they're selling?" asked Dr McCoy, gesturing towards Ensigns Richards, Richards, Demmar-Waters, and Tang, who were standing at the entrance to the mess hall.

Nurse Macnab thought for a moment. "I'm fairly sure their latest money-making scheme involves selling tickets for viewing Spock's physical examination."

"Ah well, it can't be as bad as that dehydrated water scam last week- wait… did you say selling tickets for viewing Spock's physicals?"

"Yes."

"But what about doctor-patient confidentiality?" With that the grouchy doctor stormed over to where the Ensigns were standing. Fortunately for them, Ensign Demmar-Waters had developed a good grouchy-doctor-detecting sense from working in sickbay, and so they fled in time, managing to escape the grouchy doctor's wrath for the time being.

…

"I guess we're gonna need another way of selling those tickets then."

"Yup."

There was silence (a rare occurrence when four crazy ensigns are in one room together). Then:

"How about we just search the ship's database for all the crew members who Spock has filed to have a restraining order put on, and send them all a memo?" Kat suggested

"Would that be enough people to make a decent profit margin?"

Molly began fiddling around with something on her data-PADD. This confused Arwen a little. "I didn't know you computer-hacked too?"

"I don't. I'm playing Pac-man."

"Oh."

There was a cry of "Eureka!" from Kat, and a long list of names flashed up on her computer terminal. A very long list of names.

"How long is that list exactly?"

Kat scrolled down for a few seconds. "134."

Molly groaned. "You mean over a quarter of this ship are Spock fangirls? This place is even crazier than I thought…"

"31.163% (3dp), actually," Kat corrected.

Molly facepalmed. "You mean over a third of this ship are Spock fangirls?"

This time it was Kat's turn to facepalm. "No, Molly. That would be if it was over 33.3 recurring %." Molly glared at her.

"So," said Immy, trying to brighten the mood a little, "That's quite a lot of credits, if they all want to buy tickets."

"Which they will," Kat pointed out.

"So now our only problem is actually providing the show…"

…..

It was the day of Spock's physical, and 31.163% (3dp) of the population of the USS Enterprise were crammed inside Recreation Room 3. Nurse Chapel and Dr McCoy were not present, although they had been on the list, as they were performing Spock's physical, but Ensigns Demmar-Waters and Richards the Younger made up the numbers (Ensign Richards the Elder was among the original 31.163% (3dp). She had had eighteen restraining orders filed for already, but none had made it past the official filer of all science department paperwork (her, as she had been officially banned from actually entering the science labs after she blew them up within her first day on board the ship)). Ensign Tang had truly no desire to watch, and so was on guard duty outside.

Cameras had been set up all over sickbay, and all those with Spock visible in them were shown on the large screen at the front of the room (Rec Room 3 was the cinema room, used for movie night every Friday. Poker night was in Rec Room 7, on a Thursday). There were some gasps from the collection of fangirls as the half-Vulcan entered sickbay and appeared on the first of the cameras. One Ensign even swooned. "Isn't he handsome!" whispered a Lieutenant to the person next to her. Several cries of 'Squeeeee!' were heard.

Outside, Ensign Tang despaired for the sanity of her crewmates (not that she had thought that they had much between them even before this). If this was what they were like now, what would happen when he took his shirt off?

…..

A Klingon battle cruiser lay cloaked, sneaking up on the Enterprise. They would catch them at their most unawares. Mwahahaha!

…

Uhura sat on the bridge, along with Chekov, Sulu, and no one else. Spock had gone to have his physical (for which they all pitied him), and shortly afterwards, Kirk had left, with no explanation but that she had the conn. And so she was sitting in the captain's Chair, realising it was quite a lot comfier than her own. All was peaceful (no one had seen or heard from the ship's most troublesome ensigns all day), until…

"Aiëeeee! There's Klingons off the starboard bow! Red alert! Red alert!" she cried. Where was the Captain? Even Mr Spock would be quite useful at this point. "Umm… Chekov… Do whatever you're supposed to do with the phasers and photon torpedoes…"

"Keptin?"

"And stop playing tetris! I don't care if it was a Russian inwention! The Keptin left 15 minutes ago and now we're being attacked by Klingons. Now, which button do I press to send the ship on red alert." Uhura was panicking a little. Maybe a lot.

"Ah, Klingons. You should hawe said. Klingons were not a Russian inwention."

"Try the big red one," Sulu suggested, while dodging a fortunately badly aimed phaser blast.

"Are you sure that's not the self destruct button?"

"Fairly."

"OK…" She tentatively pressed the large red button. "Nothing's happening."

…

'Bother,' thought Ensign Richards the Younger, official provider to the bridge of coffee, grapes (a logical form of sustenance), and anything else necessary for the smooth running of the ship, down in Rec Room 3 as the red light on her communicator flashed. 'Kirk wants his coffee. No, he's down here. How does that work? Ah well, I guess I'll have to go fetch some…'

….

"Umm… what about the small red one labelled 'Red Alert'?"

"Maybe…" The ship went to red alert.

…

Doctor McCoy did not like Red Alerts. They kept interrupting his physicals. He was a doctor, dammit, not a moon shuttle conductor. And so a while ago he had asked Nurse Macnab to ask Ensign Richards the Elder to disable the Red Alert siren in sickbay, which she had done. As such, Spock's physical continued uninterrupted, except the flashy lights which were really getting on the doctor's nerves, almost as much as the hobgoblin.

"Ok, now's the time to take off your shirt."

…

There was an incredibly loud, high pitched noise that reverberated throughout the ship. Somehow, it even managed to travel through the vacuum of space, which sounds aren't supposed to, and reach the Klingon ship. The Klingons mistook it for a horde of tribbles shrieking, and fled. The Enterprisians simply clutched their ears and waited for it to stop, which it did after not too long. About a minute or three. The occupants of Rec Room 3 were too busy squeeing to notice anything

…

Spock returned to the bridge, relatively unscathed from his perilous journey into the realm of the terrifying Doctor McCoy.

"Where is the Captain?"

"Um… We don't exactly know. He left shortly after you did."

"Computer, locate Captain Kirk."

"Captain Kirk is in Recreation Room 3."

Spock left the bridge once more.

…

"Why, Spock, I didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon," said Doctor McCoy as he wandered into Rec Room 3.

"A most regrettable happenstance indeed, Doctor. Unfortunately, your medical assistance is required."

Dr McCoy waved his tricorder around the room. "Well, they all appear to be unconscious, either from blood loss, excitement, forgetting to breathe, or some combination thereof. Quite a few have nosebleeds, and there are a lot of burst eardrums about, as well as concussions."

"What is the Captain's status?"

"Oh, he'll be fine, Spock. Just a serious case of Fangirlitis."

Spock made a most un-Vulcan squeak as something grabbed his ankles, causing him to fall over. It seemed one of the fangirls had gained the power of sleep-glomping. Spock despaired.


End file.
